This can not get worse?...

...it can.
I was a long time a lone parent after these incidents. Too scared to be self-confident, I met another man. Or you can even say, he was a monster, or how would you describe a person who is treating you like you were the most useless, most incompetent and altogether like dirt.
If you have been told everyday, that you are not a good mother, not a good housewife, not a good cook, not a good woman...you are believing this sh... one day. I could even not eat my dinner without being agonised, like: "How can you eat this? Are you not fat enough?" Such comments were the most unoffending ones.
As he tried to force me to abort my baby, I stood up and started to resist and it was the end of this unbelieveable relationship. He tried even after the split to control me and to force me to do what he wanted me to do, but I was free...

The guys and me and the guys and me...

...and the never ending story...

well, I did not realize that my passion for the definitely wrong men started in my teenager time...
but I have to admit that I have choosen always the men which were not good for me. So, I said it! Yeah, yeah I know, you should look for someone who respects you and has the same interests and is a nice guy. I did it wrong. I looked for the bad guys and I found them. I met my ex - husband as I was 17 and I was fallen in love with him the moment I had seen him. No, he was not smart, he was not handsome and he was not good for me, but I loved him. The time with him was like a drive in a rollercoaster, an up and down all the time. He did not think about the things he was doing, e.g. he went with his family shopping and because he needed a cutter knife he stole it !!! And this was one of the really not so bad parts of that time...
We married one year after we met and I had not the wedding I dreamed of and not the wedding gown I wanted because we had no money and so on. It was not a good start for a marriage but we were young (I was 18 and he was 19) and we thought that we were knowing everything better than our families.
After one year of wonderfull marriage (ha ha) I got pregnant. I was happy and scared and happy and confused and happy and ... lonely. My husband raped a woman two days after he was informed by me that we will have a baby. One week after his assault, the police caught him and he was from then on in jail.

School = Little box of horror ???

I am now jumping two years to the time as I went to school. I was a very exotic Turkish girl because I spoke fluent German, so I became the translator for every Turkish people in an area of 10 km. I do not know, but a child should, in my opinion, not be used for such things. It made me sick and I refused to do that after a while. I tried to be a very assiduous child and had mostly very good marks. As I wanted to change to a upper school my "nanny" again, stopped my wish. She said, that I could not make this school because it is very hard and I would be very sad if I had to return to primary school because of bad marks. My uninformed parents did of course what she adviced and I did not go to the upper school although I had the talent for that.

Two years later I changed school and went to a secondary school in the next city. This was a school which was managed by nuns and only for girls, so a very wild chapter in my teenager time started. I was 13, thought that I am very cool, started smoking, met with older girls and boys and made my parents crazy.
Surely I wasn't the well - behaved kid, but I wasn't even the most naughty kid. Like many, I felt like no one can understand me, and no one has an idea how I am feeling and why is everyone treating me like a child? And so on... Horrible time, poor parents, poor teachers. ;-)

Do you know how fast a child is forgetting a language?

I do know that ;-P
I have forgotten German during the eight month at my grandma's home in Turkey. As I came back to Germany, I could only say "Amen" and was forced to speak in sign language. It was not funny not to know what "I want something to drink." in German was, but as fast as I forgot the German as fast as that I learned it again and at the end I spoke two languages fluent...

Another memory from that time is, as I was visiting a few kids from the neighbourhood. This family lived nearby, they had 4 children and I was a single child at that time and loved to spent time with these kids. One day as I was again there, the father of these children said to me (I was 4 years old at that time) whether I know or not that the man I called father, was not my real, biological father... I was so unbelievable shocked, that moment my whole world was destroyed, I started to scream and to shout, to cry. "How can you say that? You are lying, because I know he is my dad, because we have the same feet!" And I stand up and ran home and asked my father, if this is true, if he is really not my real father and he must be my real father, because we have the same kind of feet... My father and my mother were both apalled that an adult can do such things to a child and my father confirmed that he was of course my real father... I will never forget that he has given me, a 4 years old child, peace at that moment!

I can smell the scent of the cherry trees...

...in my grandmas garden. This was definitely the best time in my whole childhood! Unbelieveable but these 8 month I will never forget. I was, I guess 3 1/2 years old as my mum decided to bring me to my grandma. I do not exactly know why she brought me to her,but she told me later that it was a very hard time for her,being separated from me. Well, she never asked me if it was for me as horrible as for her, but I did not missed her too much. Of course I wanted back to her at the beginning but after a short time I was very happy with my grandma.

She was a wonderfull, little woman and I was her favourite grandchild ;-)
She allowed me everything and even when I was naughty she did not punish me, she saved me from my aunt who lived together with her. I was a very wild child, more like a boy. As I arrived at my grandmas house in Turkey I did not speak proper Turkish but learned it very fast of course. My grandmas garden was like a magical world for me. It was wild, the trees, flowers and vegetables grown on their own and this special German correctness was far away (thanks god!). She had these extraordinary roses in her garden and she made rose jam from their blossoms, I can remember the taste from it...

One of the funny memories I have is, as my grandma gave a dress from me away to a poor family. This dress was a present from my mother and I was furious as I discovered where my dress was. I run through the whole village to this family and shouted and insisted to get back MY dress. They gave me back the dress to stop me screaming and crying and I run back to my grandmas house, put the dress under the carpet and sit on it so noone could take it away again... ;-P

Are witches existing...

... or maybe only the bad witches? I have no idea, but in my childhood, my "nanny" seemed to be a witch (I was nearly sure that she was a witch!).

For me it was unnatural that a woman can do so many things on her own. She was very assiduous, looked after a big house, a very big garden and a even bigger husband. So I was only looked after secondary...

One of the most horrible scenes was, as she hit me while she taught me to read the time on a analog watch. Every time I said the answer wrong I got a slap in the face. This lasted the whole afternoon and as her cousin arrived she did not stop this action, no, she slapped me further in the face infront of her cousin. At the end I was shaking and sobbing and my face was bright red of her slaps.
The next day she asked me the time and luckyly I told it wright, her answer was: "You see, slaps are not killing a person and they are helping to learn.", and she smiled ...

Another horrible scene was as she had the painters in her house (they painted her bathroom and she wanted to clean the floor...). She ordered me to look after my brother, I was at that time 5 1/2 years old, but I don' t wanted to look after him, because I wanted to watch my favourite TV show for kids. But I had no chance, so I had to rocking him in his pram that she could do her job...
She opened the doors of the bedroom and the lounge and I could watch TV while rocking my crying brother. My little brother but don' t wanted to sleep and he did not stop crying no matter how fast I rocked the pram, so I rocked it harder and harder because I could not understand anything of the TV show because of his crying ... and suddenly the pram overturned and the baby fell of his bed, screamed of course horrible ... and then the horror started, she came into the room with the sweeping broom in her hand and as she saw what has happened she caught me and hit me with the broom ... after she thought it was enough, she picked up my brother and nursed him.

Why I feel lost in space...

... a question which I cannot answer to be honest, but I try to understand how I became the person I am today.
Even as a little child I felt always different then the others. I had these feeling that I am seeing the world around me clearer then my family. I can remember that I have memories from the age of three (I know that this is very early, but I asked my mother and she confirmed them...).


At the beginning was these feeling of being forlorn. My mum had to work to earn money for us, so she searched for someone to look after me. After publishing an announcement she found a German woman who accepted to take me (the child of a migrant worker!) and look after me. That was the start of a time full of pain and fear for me. This woman had the oppinion that she had to civilise me because I came from a savage culture (pah! the ignorance of some people in this world is unbelieveable!!). She showed me a few years later two pictures from me, where she proofed her success. The time she started to look after me, my mother lived in the same city like her, so she brought me every morning to her and picked me up every evening. The mother of that woman was alive at that time, so she was relatively nice to me. After the death of her mother my live became very hard. I liked her mother and I liked that German correctness (my clothes were always clean and ironed, I always got my meals in time...), but she changed after the death of her mother.

She lost very fast her nerves and started to hit me
everytime I did something wrong (in her eyes of course wrong!). So I feared her very much and this fear resulted in more faults what resulted in more penalties. She spoke trash about my mum, our culture, our religion and tried to change me completely. I started to learn Christian prayers, was forced to eat whatever she cooked (her husband was a butcher and he made his own meat and sausages and so on...) and a short time later I forgot even my mothertongue. I became a civilised German girl.